Today’s Real Mom Dilemma is a tough one and one that I am interested to hear all your Wise mom insight about. We have a little stranger anxiety over here and so far I have chalked it up to a stage. Mama K is worried that her little one’s stranger anxiety is not just a stage and she needs your help! I know you all will have some great tips for her. If you are new to The Wise Baby, Real Mom Dilemmas are real problems that come from real moms. We post them here in hopes that our other mom readers can lend their advice and experience to help another mom out. Be sure to leave a comment on this post with your advice, experience or even issues of your own. If you have a dilemma you’d like to see featured, send it to me here (we never use real names!).
Hi all, I have a sweet as can be 9 month old son, Frankie. Frankie is a a great baby and has been his whole life. I am a stay at home mom and both my family and in laws live nearby. We haven’t had a ton of outside babysitters for Frankie thanks in part to our helpful family and not to mention my husbands works a lot of nights and weekends which doesn’t allow for many date nights. That being said, at about 6 months Frankie started getting very, very wary of strangers. Even friends and extended family he has met multiple times before. I thought it was just a stage so didn’t worry too much. Now nearly three months later it has not gotten better and maybe gotten worse. If my husband or I leave the room he has a meltdown. He can be left with either of our parents, no problem however, these are people he has seen almost daily since his birth.
My dilemma is this… I know this isn’t good. And I know that we need to find a babysitter outside of our immediate family. One because they aren’t always available and two because I know this has to stop! I have some great recommendations on sitters and feel comfortable leaving him with these people but do not feel comfortable leaving him if that makes sense.
I really need to know how other moms have dealt with this stranger/separation anxiety phase (if I can still call it a phase). Or even if you haven’t dealt with it if you have heard any advice on the subject, I want to hear it! I am wimpy when it comes to the “cry it out answer” as in I prefer not to handle it that way. But if that is it, please tell me. I don’t want Frankie to be poorly adjusted and I am starting to feel like I should have done more earlier on.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help,
Desperate Mama K
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Mama K,
Something that I recall a friend doing when her baby went through Stranger Anxiety was to have the future caregiver spend time with her and the baby before the she and her husband left. It was random times like play dates.
The caregiver was very gentle with the baby, moved slowly, etc. and that seemed to help quite a bit.
Something I wonder about with our daughter is whether or not an an audio recording of my voice or my husband’s would help our daughter to relax were we to encounter your dilemma. Susanna is very, very sound based. (Yesterday I sung her name to her for 30 minutes to help her relax and she used to keep a steady 2 and 4 beat in utero with her movements!)
I hope this helps.
Best to you and your family.
Wendy
Thanks for the insight Wendy, the audio recording is a great idea! I know they even make stuffed animals that have an audio recording option which could work great for these purposes. xoxo
I had a lot of the same problem with my now 10 month old son, Xavier. I stay at home with him as well and we do not have a lot of family so other then my husband and I he isn’t nuts about being left with other people. I have had better luck with two things…
1) Is he teething? I noticed Xavier is extremely clingy when he is sick or teething. Many days he ends up not liking other people when he is teething. I guess when he is hurting he just wants mom or dad. I couldn’t do a lot with him like that except try to rearrange for when he is not teething or arm the babysitters with some tylenol to help him through it.
2) Give him a lovey. They say most babies depend on a lovey when you are away. They say they will find one on their own. However, I think if you are a stay at home mom it takes the baby longer to get a lovey as there is not much need for one. So I kind of pushed one on him. I gave him the same blanket and stuffed monkey for every nap and bedtime. When he got upset I would wrap him in the blanket and let him cuddle the monkey. After a couple weeks of that he now loves them both. Now, when we leave him with a sitter we give him the blanket and monkey and he cuddles them while he gets used to the babysitter. It seemed to help tremendously. Good luck!
Renee
Great points Renee. I totally agree on the teething comment. Eloise is the same way. I have also tried to convince Eloise a lovey is her best pal although she is still warming up to it. Thank you so much for sharing your experience to help Mama K!
I had the same problem with my daughter – it is really tough! I agree wit what Renee said and the lovie, it really helped our daughter but it took some time to develop the “bond” with it. In the meantime, I would have a sitter come for a few hours while I was home and just do other things around the house. This allowed both my daughter and the sitter to be comfortable and if my daughter got fussy or unsure I would just pop back in the room for a second and let the babysitter soothe her. I know this may not work for everyone but it was really helpful and made us all comfortable. Once she was comfortable with one sitter or “stranger” she seems to not have the anxiety if we added a new sitter to the rotation. Hope this helps!
Great points about mini playdates while you are at home with the babysitter. I am sure it is a great way for you to get even more comfortable with the sitter. Thanks so much for sharing you insight! xoxo
Mama K,
Don’t worry; we had the same issue with our daughter (now 3) and are just getting over it with her younger brother (18 months). We’ve been told that it’s a phase, and that seems true. Usually, they’d be afraid of strangers for 20 minutes but then warm up to them after that. So if we have a babysitter or family member come over to watch the kids, we have them come half an hour early and spend some time letting them get acquainted.
Isn’t it interesting how the little ones can be just fine and then all of a sudden they is complete change. I was just reading about this on babycenter.com and I think that the issue is closely related to Seperation Anxiety for sure… I think having your little one spend some time with the sitter beforehand is a great option. Also, be aware of making a fuss, or other people making too much of a fuss when your baby reacts. This may also play into the issue as well.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_separation-anxiety_12652.bc